Across the many years I have been in HR and a career coach, I have seen it all. And every time I think I've warned just about everyone about what not to do, another brilliant example comes along. In fact, I have started using the hashtag #epicjobseekerfail on Twitter to track some of these fantastic moves.
A recent one comes courtesy of a friend who forwarded me his colleague's recent "goodbye" email. I've shared some excerpts below, and redacted (in red) information to protect the innocent. (The incredibly dumb yet innocent). You probably don't need me to tell you why this entire letter is an #epicjobseekerfail and CLM (career limiting move), but enjoy my witty insights (in blue).
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My name is [guy who shouldn't have written this] & I have worked for [redacted] for just under 4-years. I came on board here in 2005 when [my old company that apparently also sucked] was acquired by [redacted]. There were promises of better opportunity – bigger & better product line—“better management”- & a whole lot of other false leading promises. Since I was bought like a street whore [one who, as you will soon see, should buy some grammar and punctuation lessons in addition to learning what words are inappropriate in a company email]--- in other- words I came along with building – the trucks -- & the equipment –computers—office furniture—ect..
I have taken a few minute to write down my exit thoughts. Not so much for anyone, but for my self [so why did you decide to send it to the entire office?]. As I relive my path with [redacted] I felt a need to review it & keep my confidence up [this is not going to do it, I promise].
Since I came on board I have seen some real interesting things & people pass by me. I watched the part of [redacted] I helped open in January 2001 get shut down so the [redacted] group could take over the building. Turns out as it was explained to me that this [redacted] was having problems getting its *&*(%( together. So off to [I go – me the “ [redacted] “to fix things up!
When I showed up there – I was given no tour—no one explained what was expected from me—no over all review how things worked. don’t get me wrong –I’m a big boy & don’t need my hand held [apparently only your fingers on a keyboard] the only thing I had to rely on was the guy I replaced .The place was a mess—un-organized – a nightmare! With in 2- weeks I grabbed the bull by the horn [not sure it was the bull's horn you grabbed] & got the place in order. I”m not ringing my own bell [clang, clang], but if you have worked here long enough you know that a pat on the back are few & far .It was hard work & I was doing something like 15 hour days to get things in order. I am still waiting for the- “that a boy” for that one!!!! [I wouldn't hold your breath.]
To shorten this part of my journey—[I had to delete the three, yes three paragraphs that followed, to save your sanity. You can thank me now.]
So if you’re reading this [basically, by this point, three really bored co-workers were left], then the great management in the [redacted] group has found it best to let me go. It may be because I make too much $, but my salary was set on what I have done in the past [one of those deleted paragraphs talked about how he received no reward for his work] & the fact that I could & have run an office from the front to the back! [and now right out the front door].
I have found here that the bull&*$ line of “it’s all about the customer” is a line of &*%$!!! [And talking to your co-workers that way is also a smart idea]. In my experience I have found it’s all about everyone’s personnel agenda!!!! [And now everyone gets to read yours: send scathing goodbye email in the hopes that I ruin my entire network before getting another job.] Walk on –step on –use – lie to –do what ever it takes to move up the latter! [First of all, latter means last, as in your last day, and your next ladder is likely to come from Home Depot.] And those out there that are doing it know who you are! As long as you can look at your wife & kids – girl friend –boy friend –mom or dad – fellow employees and lie to there face, you will do well here at [redacted].
If I still have your attention I’ll bring this around for ya. I pride myself in being a doer – being able to get things done – make things happen –self motivated. I have worked on 3-township comities [do you mean committees or comedies?] – started a town watch in my neighborhood – ran the athletic league in my community for over 6 years – I am a volunteer for my towns civic association [that must be one heck of a "civic" association]. – Coached my children in every sport they have been involved in! [Please, by all means, don't ever coach them to write a letter like this.]
Point being – again I’m not ringing my own bell [all I can hear now is a really high-pitched ding] but the management here talks a great game & expects perfection & provides none!!!! I want so bad to believe in the management of [redacted]—so bad!—I don’t feel any “love”. I have been told I need to “Kiss Up” more [if by "kiss up" you mean "stay quiet, then yes, your performance reviews are correct.] The point I’m making in telling you about my accomplishments is to show that you don’t have to “Kiss Up” to make things happen. Say what you mean & mean what you say—look a man in the eyes—give a good hand shake! That’s just some simple rules I live by! [I'd cross the rule off your list about writing a goodbye email when you leave your job.]
Good luck to you all--- & what I have lived & seen is a joke! [You know else has made me laugh lately?...]
P.s--- this wasn’t a last minute letter. It was written over the past 3 months [and you didn't find the time to try out that spell checker?] & a lot of heart went into what I have said here. To those who feel as I do & want to keep there job-do what you have to so you can survive. To those who think I’m a “ wak- o” and don’t believe any of this could be true-----hang on. Everyone is replaceable------ even [redacted] & [redacted] [and sir, clearly you are too.]
And with that, let me just say if you write a goodbye email when you leave a job, stick with goodbye.
